How to not write a Harry Potter fan fiction
by Fawkes31
Summary: This story is supposed to show you how to not write a Harry Potter fan fiction. It mocks this type of writing and was made because I was bored and read a really poorly written fan fic.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all characters thereof are and have not been created, sold, or marketed in any way, shape, or form, by me. I am making no profit off of this piece of literary work.  
  
Summary: The perfect example of how to NOT write Harry Potter fan fiction. Enjoy, and laugh, but don't flame me for mocking your writing style if you write like this, because if you do, then you suck, and you would have no credibility when it came to writing, or reviewing.  
  
HP AND THA MAJER FITE  
  
Yo malfoy u redy bro harry potter asked malofoy. Yea dude im totally redy to fight voldiemorte now malofoy sed. Yea than lets go harry sed. Well potter ure gonna die now voldiemorte sed laughing like he was mad craze avada kedavera! And malofoy died like that! Sic rite? Yea it wuz cuz malofoy sux majer time! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Voldiemorte said laughing a long time. Now potter it is time for you to die! No harry sed, blocking tha curse and sending it back at him! Argh nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo voldiemorte sed, screeming and dyin till he died. Hes dead harry potter sed. Hes finlly dead. And he kissed ginny on tha mouth and did a dance.  
  
A.N. Yeah, dumb and uncalled for, I know, but I was getting sick and tired of crap fan fictions that had more grammatical errors than words. In case you didn't notice (in which case I pity you.) or if you didn't know, all of my mistakes were purposeful to prove the point that if you're going to write something, make it neat and correct. 


	2. Mary Sue

A.N. Hey all thanks for the reviews, sorry I took so long, I managed to somehow get a virus. Enjoy and my disclaimer is on chapter one, refer to that if you please

Part 2: The Mary-Sue 

As Harry, Hermione, and Ron were walking to charms class, they bumped into the new girl, spilling her ink and papers all over the place.

"Sorry, I didn't see you there." Harry said, feeling ashamed at his clumsiness. "Can I help you there?"

"No thank you Harry, I can handle it." said the girl. After using reparo to fix the ink well, she used a spell that organized her papers and put them back into her hand, it sounded new to the trio.

"What was that spell you used? I've never heard of it." Hermione asked, feeling confused.

"It's the perfecto spell, I created it myself, and it only works for people who are smart enough to work it, sorry." The new girl said.

"I love you, marry me." Ron and Harry said at the same time, shoving Hermione out of the way.

"She can't marry the both of you guys, one of you will just have to settle with me." Hermione said, tears welling up in her eyes.

"Oh but I can Hermione, duplicus." And with that, there was an exact duplicate of the new girl standing next to her. The only problem with that was that there were now two to many perfect people in the world, causing it to collapse upon itself.

The End 

A.N. Remember, if you can't write well, write anyway so I can insult you.


	3. Blatantness

A.N. Hey thanks for all of the reviews, they're pretty encouraging. Well, here's my next installment for How not to Write a Harry Potter Fan Fiction.

The blatant pairing 

While Harry and Tonks were sitting in his new room at number 4 private drive, Harry was thinking to himself 'wow she's cool' and Tonks was thinking 'wow he's cute' and all of a sudden Dumbledore bursts into the room.

"Harry!" Dumbledore yells. "There's another part of the prophecy that I neglected to mention to you!"

"What is it then Albus?" Both Harry and Tonks asked.

"You and Tonks must get married and have 10000000000000000 kids if you ever want to kill Voldemort." Dumbledore said. "Although it could be anyone that likes to have pink spiky hair and is a metamorphagus."

Harry smiled "Well, I guess we better get started then shouldn't we?" he said, and then he and Tonks had wild passionate sex and had 10000000000000000 kids and got married and Harry killed Voldemort and they all live happily ever after.

The end 

A.N. See, isn't it horrible when the pairing is so blatant? cough damon blade cough Not that I have anything against Harry/Tonks, in fact I wholeheartedly support it, but I have just read something that had a blatant Harry/Tonks will undoubtedly get together, so I decided to use that as reference.


	4. Lip Service

Disclaimer: I don't own it.

A.N.: Okay, I'm back, been busy settling into college. So anyways, aren't you sick of all the lip service Harry's been getting in stories? Lip service, for those who don't know, is constant praise or a person (or object, though I'm not sure about that). Well, it's a bit annoying, especially when it's persistent throughout the story. One story like this is This Means War! by Jeconais. Don't get me wrong, it's a phenomenal story, but damn, everybody likes Harry.

Lip Service

Harry sat at the lake's shore writing his potions essay. Thinking hard for the answer, he tapped his quill against his chin. Unbeknownst to him, hidden in the shadows was almost every single Harry Potter character in the series, barring Dolores Umbridge, Cornelius Fudge, Severus Snape, and Tom Riddle (aka Voldemort).

"He's so awesome." Hermione Granger says.

"I agree, and look how dignified he looks." Albus Dumbledore said.

Ron Weasley nodded in agreement. "He's so cool, hey! He's getting attacked by the Giant Squid! Harry's such a swell fellow isn't he Padma?"

"Absolutely, he's even better now! He's the best, and the squid just ripped his head off. He's so great he's fine now!" Padma Patil said.

"We all love Harry Potter. Harry Potter is the best, strongest, richest, sexiest, handsomest, amazingest, coolest, nicest, smartest, funniest person in the whole school, region, country, continent, hemisphere, planet, solar system, galaxy, and universe!" These words of service to the best, most incredible Harry Potter was said by every single person in the world, including those evil aliens in the south pole.


	5. Dumb Misplaced American

Disclaimer: Not mine

An American at Hogwarts

The American walked into Hogwarts without a care in the world. Sure, she knew there were many schools in the USA, and sure, she was a muggle, but this was Hogwarts. Besides, as soon as they saw her, she knew that they would accept her. She's that cool. She wasn't raised to be a pompous Los Angeles daddy's girl like the rest of the girls on the OC for nothing.

She walked into the Great hall, her stiletto heels clacking against the floor, getting stuck in the cracks of the stone. Gucci bag going flying, the American cried out as her dog, Fluff-Fluff, yipped in the air, only to hit the wall and die a quick death. The American girl sighed, she needed to get a new dog, the eighteenth one this week. Oh it is so hard, being a rich american kid in Hogwarts.

A.N.: This was a request given to me a while ago, only I've not had the time until now to do it. Oh, I'm not Anti-American, as I am one, I'm only anti-rich people and their stupid fucking daughters. A better one will be coming soon, as soon as I think of something to bitch about.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. I do own your souls, however.

A.N.: Hey guys, I'm back for more. It's been almost two-and-a-half years, but I have finally found another thing to bitch about. I can honestly say, though, that I missed you guys and your wacky reviews.

WTF?! How does he know how to use muggle stuff?!

Hermione was sad. She was sad because she only got 8 O's on her NEWTS, along with 1 EE. She was so depressed about it, she called a teen help line.

"Hello, this is teens for dumb teens who need to whine, my name is Draco, how can I help you?" Draco Malfoy said, as he picked up the phone. See, since Lucious cut his allowance, Draco had to get a job. So he picked out something easy which paid well, being a therapist on a teen help hotline.

"Malfoy? Is that really you?" Hermione asked.

"Yes it is Granger, now what's wrong?" Draco asked, but it was too late, as Hermione's head had already exploded from the wrong that he was.

A.N. I don't know, I found a story on the site today, and it bugged me. Someone explain how in the nine levels of hell a pure-blooded wizard knows how to use a phone? They even went into this in one of the cannon books, with Ron screaming into the phone like a maniac. Hell, they don't even know how to send mail without owls! What the hell guys!


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any characters wherein. I am not profiting in any way other than my own moral satisfaction of crushing the hopes of bad writers.

Chapter The Seventh: In which I, the author, will take you, the reader, on an epic journey filled with romance, action, adventure, thrills, laughs, tears, and all the other things that make a good story. You will read about Harry and his girlfriend, whom he meets for the first time in here. Harry will think, "wow, she's amazing!" more than once. It will be the greatest chapter in the history of chapters. You will give it a five star review, because of it's pure greatness.

The end

A.N.: So… is anyone else sick of chapters like these?


End file.
